Snape's Porno Bedroom, and Aprhrdite the Author.
by ThePQ4
Summary: Rated for a few words, and a few hints of things...Lol. Humor fic I wrote...Two parts. R/R! Very funny according to my friends!
1. Severus Snape and the Porno bedroom

Severus Snape and Aphrdite the Author.  
  
"So, you don't have a normal name?" Snape was mildly confused.  
  
"Well, I suppose I do." The Author shrugged her skinny little fictional shoulder, "I prefer Author."  
  
"Oh, well can I know what your name is anyway?"  
  
"What's wrong with Author?" She asked, quizzically.  
  
"Err, nothing honey!"  
  
"Lets just say I am everything I am, and everything I am not." Author spoke with a certain tone to her voice.  
  
"So, in reality you're not wearing that skimpy little two piece swimsuit?"  
  
"Where do you get that?" Author looked down at her clothes, "Snape! You're ruining the entire fic!" Author sighed, and pulled a sweatshirt over her head.  
  
"So," Snape continued, "Your not actually wearing that? And looking so incredibly edible might I add."  
  
"No. In reality I'm sitting in choir class."  
  
"Oh."  
  
There was a sudden whoosh of wind, and Snape found himself sitting in Author's choir class.  
  
"Err...your not actually wearing that swim suit are you?" Snape asked.  
  
"No. I appear normal to them." Author shook her head.  
  
"Aphrdite, are you talking to yourself?" a particularly geek-ie girl asked looking up from her journal.  
  
"Oh, no." Author shook her head.  
  
"Gosh Aphrdite, your so- Ah! What did you just do?"  
  
"Wrote you into my fic."  
  
"Oh!...is this Snape?" The extended her hand, "Hi! I'm Julia!"  
  
"Ah...Hi." Snape nodded, not shaking her hand.  
  
Julia turned to Author, "Why are you wearing the swim suit?"  
  
"Oh, Snape messed up the fic." Author snapped her fingers, and soon wore Hogwart's robes.  
  
"Simmah don to the ground na!" Julia shimmied to the floor.  
  
"Julia, Sam, could we please pay attention?" another voice broke through.  
  
"Sorry Miss Powell." The girls spoke.  
  
"Ugh! She just said my name!" Author smacked her forehead.  
  
"What's your name?" Snape asked.  
  
"Sorry Aphro." Julia sighed, "Teachers these days!"  
  
"Author!" Snape sighed.  
  
"He has to call you Author?" Julia asked.  
  
"Well, it's better then Aphrdite, or Aphro, or something." Author shrugged.  
  
"By the way, why am I calling you that?"  
  
"Because that's the way I'm writing it."  
  
"Oh!...Cool." Julia nodded.  
  
"Anyway, can we go back to my bedroom now?" Snape asked.  
  
"Oh! Sure!" There was a popping noise, and the three found themselves in Snape's newly decorated room.  
  
"Wow! Awesome silk curtains Sevie!" Julia ran her hand along the material.  
  
"I didn't do this..." Snape shook his head.  
  
The room was basically in a shadowed black, with the only color currently being the bright, blood red curtains of silk, and mesh hanging from the bed posts of Severus's bed. To be quite honest, it looked as though it had come out of one of Andy's (inside joke) porno movies.  
  
"Wait a second...how do you know it looks like one of Andy's porn movies?" Julia asked.  
  
"I don't. I'm just making it up."  
  
"Oh! Cool!"  
  
"What is she doing here?" Snape suddenly noticed Julia as if for the first time.  
  
"Oh crap! Sorry Jul's you gotta go!"  
  
"Oh, well I wouldn't wanna stay here anyway!" She was quite content to disappear with another loud pop.  
  
"Much better." Snape pulled Author into his arms, and ducked under the seemingly 10 layers of curtain to his bed, which was extremely large. Probably about a triple king sized.  
  
"Do I really need a bed this large?" Snape asked.  
  
"Well, how am I supposed to picture you bedroom? Like this?" The room suddenly changed to a single cot for a bed, and had a sort of jail-cell look about it.  
  
"I think I prefer the more erotic room, thanks." The room popped back to the porno room.  
  
"Good, `cause I like this one too." Author snapped her fingers, and Snape suddenly wore what was dragon hide pants (wizard leather), and a loose fitting blue sparkle button up shirt.  
  
"Gosh! I look like Ricky Martin!" Snape looked at his clothes, then at Author, "HOT MAMA!"  
  
Author was wearing a Britney Spears type outfit, complete with knee high boots, a micro-mini skirt, and a button up shirt with the sleeves cut off, and tied about mid-rift.  
  
"Ugh! What did I do!" Author sighed in disgust.  
  
"I think it looks fine."  
  
"Oh well," She brightened, "It's not as if I'll be wearing it long anyway."  
  
Snape gapped at her as Author pushed him back into the mounds of printed pillows.  
  
"Wow...for a fictional character, you sure do know a lot about that...kind of stuff." Author pulled the covers up over her `unspeakables'.  
  
"M-huh." Snape's eyes where closed then flicked open, "Since we know how completely ediable one another is, can we do that again?"  
  
"It's because your fictional, isn't it? A normal man would never be able to do it again that quickly."  
  
"Oh well, In the fictional world, I'm normal."  
  
"Oh. Okay." Author nodded.  
  
"What's your name."  
  
"Can't say."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because I'm not actually supposed to be in this fic."  
  
"Oh...but you're the Author."  
  
"Exactly."  
  
"Oh...you've succeeded in confusing me."  
  
"Sorry. See, I'm not actually `the author'. I'm the `fan author'."  
  
"Then whose the Author?"  
  
"J.K. Rowling."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because she got the idea before I did."  
  
"That shimmy!"  
  
"I know."  
  
"Well, that's kind of sad." Snape mulled, "Well, screw the J.K. chick! You're my author!"  
  
"Suck up."  
  
"It's not my fault!" Snape sighed.  
  
"Dastardly!"  
  
"Did you just call me a bastard?"  
  
"No! I don't even know who you parents are!"  
  
"Come to think of it...neither do I."  
  
"My poor dear." Author sighed.  
  
"Some people think I was the love child of Dumbledore and McGonagall, but I was born in the fifty's, before everything was out of whack!"  
  
"Oh well. At least you had, slash, have normal parents."  
  
"My parents are dead!" Severus cried, "I never knew that!"  
  
"Oh snap out of it!" Author yelled, "Your parents probably aren't dead, okay? Their probably living as muggles some where, because you where a death eater!"  
  
Severus suddenly began to cry much like a little girl.  
  
"Oh gosh..." Author sighed, "And for once I was trying to write a normal fic." 


	2. Severus Snape and the 8th grade testing ...

Severus Snape and Aphrdite the Author  
  
"Oh Snape, look at what you've done! You've caused me to write another fic!" Author sighed, still sitting in Severus's pornographic bedroom, him still weeping over his dead parents.  
  
"Well, I just want to know who my parents are!" Snape whimpered.  
  
"Ugh!" Author heaved a large Wizardry Directory book into her lap, "Why don't we look in here?"  
  
"The Wizardry Directory book?" Snape jumped up, tossing his tiger print pillow aside, "I never thought of that!"  
  
Author shook her head, and flipped back to the SN's of the directory book, "Lets see...Snap, Snap-apple, Snap-buttons, snap-coat...Ah! Snape!" She sighed, "Oh here's you Sevie...your e-owl is Potions Hottie?"  
  
"Wow...there's a lot of Snape's..." Snape hugged his tiger print pillow again, "Shall we call all of them?"  
  
"Um, no."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because Sevie, these are all ordinary people. You can't just call them up and say `Hi, my name is Severus Snape, and I was wondering if you're my parents'. It just doesn't work that way."  
  
"Why?" Snape asked, sounding much like Author's little cousin Jimmy Jr.  
  
"Because Snape. You just can't."  
  
"But why?" He hugged his pillow tighter.  
  
"Just because."  
  
Snape began to weep, sob even, into the already quite soggy pillow.  
  
Author pulled the pillow away, and whipped it out of the proximity of the bed.  
  
"Alright Severus, lets just forget this for awhile okay?"  
  
"But I-"  
  
"Severus..." Author warned.  
  
"Sorry." He sniffled again.  
  
"Okay, well it's getting late-"  
  
"Hey! What day is it?" Snape suddenly asked.  
  
"Ah...Tuesday, because in reality I'm sitting in Mr. Crowe's room, taking my 8^th grade tests."  
  
"Oh...Why?"  
  
"Because it's the law."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Anyway, since I'm bored, we're going to Mr. Crowe's room, okay?"  
  
"Okay." Snape nodded, hugging a zebra print pillow now.  
  
There was a popping sound, and Severus found himself sitting in a deathly quiet class room.  
  
"What is this place?!" Severus whispered.  
  
"Shh!" Everyone shushed him.  
  
"Oh...sorry."  
  
"Excuse me! This is a test! No talking, or you shall be asked to leave!" A mildly prissy looking girl spoke behind him.  
  
Author rolled her eyes, and erased the girl from her imagination, leaving a large white space where she had once sat.  
  
"Um...shouldn't that white spot be taken care of?" Severus asked.  
  
"Oh. Sure!" Suddenly Remus Lupin filled the white space.  
  
"Whoa! Kick-" (insert gulp), "ass!" Remus was drunker then Voldemort.  
  
"Wait...How do you know Voldemort gets drunk?" Remus asked, sobering for a moment.  
  
"Once again! I am making it up!" Author sighed.  
  
"Oh...kick ass!" He sipped heavily from a bottle of booze.  
  
"That better?" Author asked.  
  
"Well, I guess so." Snape shrugged, hugging his pillow so tightly that the seem on top ripped, and duck feathers (no goose feathers, because Julia would have had a fit, and protested) flew around like snow flakes, "Oh no!"  
  
"Snow! Snow!" Author's fellow classmates danced under all of the feathers, "Pretty Wisconsin snow! Snow!"  
  
"Psycho's." Author sighed, and a large hole, leading to what seemed to be a truck with a padded room in the back, "Go! Follow your pretty little snowflakes! Up into the nice little padded room thingy."  
  
As the feathers moved towards the truck, so did the students. When every last student was in the back of the nice little padded truck, the nice little men in white coats slammed the door, and the truck sped off, the hole in the wall disappearing a few moments later. The only people left in the room where, Mr. Crowe, Mr. Hadorn, Author, Snape, Remus, and of course Author's friend Melissa who was actually quite sane, but yes everyone else was gone.  
  
"W-T-F was that?" Remus asked.  
  
"I dunno." Author shrugged her shoulder, "I got bored, and I don't like any of those people. I made Scottie and Andy go though, `cause they would have."  
  
"Oh..."  
  
"DASTARDLY!"  
  
"I am not a bastard!" Snape yelled.  
  
"That's not what I said!" Author yelled.  
  
"Then what the hell did you say!?"  
  
"That DASTARDLY girl just sat in your spot."  
  
"Oh. I thought something tickled."  
  
"Snape!"  
  
"Okay, okay!"  
  
"Hey! Lets ship her off to the loony-bin too!"  
  
"Hey Sam, have you seen Bob?" Melissa asked.  
  
"Ack!" Author clamped her hand over Mel's mouth, "Don't say that name!"  
  
"Your name is Sam?" Severus asked.  
  
Author winced, "Severus!"  
  
"Yes Author?"  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
Once again, Snape began to cry girlishly into the remains of his Zebra print pillow.  
  
"Whoa! Cruel!" Remus shook his head, "Hey Sevie! How about we start a little slash fic?"  
  
"Huh?" Snape asked, "Oh...okay."  
  
"Ugh you can't-" Author started.  
  
"Sam, have you seen Bob?" Mel interrupted.  
  
"Oh, Remus, you have such a nice-"  
  
"You have cold hands."  
  
"Sam...Bob?"  
  
"Cold, or just-"  
  
"Very cold, but it feels quite-"  
  
"Bob! Where is he!?"  
  
"AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" Author screamed, and promptly went completely insane...not that she wasn't in the first place... 


End file.
